today marks two whole years since I officially started testosterone! it's been such a wonderful and joyous journey... i honestly would not trade it for anything in the world.
right now, there's a lot of talk about trans people, our access to gender-affirming care, and if we should be allowed to exist in the first place. even today, i had to talk with one of my professors about anti-trans sentiments she was fostering in her classroom. it's really frustrating to have to justify our existance over and over and over again.
I came out when I was 12 years old. the instant i began noticing the effects of female puberty, i knew it was not right for me. i begged for help, puberty blockers, HRT, and was not listened to. I spent those years with a deep, festering hatred in my gut, and a conviction that i was not meant to survive into adulthood. being able to access HRT when i did saved my life. people around me noticed how i stopped hating my body, the love i began to treat myself with, the way i could look in the mirror and recognize my face. i am no longer suicidal, and i get excited to think about what the future holds. transitioning made my life worth living, and that is a beautiful thing.
HRT changed my relationship with my gender as well, in ways that one might not expect. much of my teenage transmasculinity was rooted in anger and self-loathing, i was an exclusionist and validated myself by invalidating others whose experiences i didn't understand. I caused tangible harm to my own community in a desperate attempt to prove I was one of the "good ones". transitioning changed my relationship with both femininity and masculinity. having a body that now rests somewhere between male and female had made me feel much more in touch with both aspects of my identity. i have always been sure of my transness, but feel more secure in my own identity now more than ever. starting masculinizing HRT made me become more in touch with my femininity in ways i wasn't expecting, but have come to profoundly enjoy. words cannot describe how much i love being a trans bigender dyke.
i love being trans, i love being trans, i love being trans!!! i love being alive and i love being trans. im so thankful to my friends, family, and community for continuing to support me through my transition. i can only wish for many, many more years of transness to come.