so, it's been a bit! there's been a lot happening in my& life, and I haven't really found the time or space to write up a blog post about it. this one is going to be a bit all over the place since I haven't gotten the chance to write anything for awhile :D
first thing's first, i recently came to terms with the fact that we're plural. things have been this way for a long time in hindsight, so finally being able to put a word to our experiences has been really helpful. being able to conceptualize my&self as plural has been a really great help in learning how to manage our emotions and thoughts, as well as give the other parts of me& more autonomy and chances to express ourself as we are.
on the other hand, it's scary realizing youre a bit more than one person! i still feel very nervous when talking to my close RL friends about it, even though they've known me& for years and have seen the signs from even before I remember/existed. some classes we're in have been delving into the topic of identity, and trying to explain who i& am through the lense of assumed singlethood is proving to be more difficult now than ever. i'm really greatful for my close friends & wife, who have shown me a lot of support through all this. we've been taking it all one step at a time, just trying to make sense of it all.
outside of that, i've been quite busy in the real world! we have been much more active on our campus and in town in the past couple weeks, which means a whole lot of talking to people. i'm really not used to this amount of socialization, so it intimidates me a great deal. one thing i really struggle with is responding in the moment to distressing situations, as well as saying no when i don't want to do something.
i feel like i just get thrown into fight or flight whenever i have to deal with confrontation. i just freeze and my mind goes blank, i can't respond at all. it's frustrating and difficult, especially when otherwise i feel like i can communicate really well! it's quite easy for me to be pressured into situations i'm not entirely comfortable with just because i'm too afraid to say no, and that sucks!! it takes me from a couple hours to a couple days to fully formulate a response to situations in which i froze, and by then i often feel like it's too late to say anything
i want to try and be more honest about this with people in the moment, and just say that i might need to sit and think about things before i respond. being able to message people via the internet after in-person conversations has been massively helpful as well, especially because i can choose when i want to engage with the conversation. it's something i really want to work on if i'm going to be dealing with more people in the future, and it's definately a skill i could apply to more personal relationships as well.
i'm anticipating that i'll be quite busy in the next coming months, so i apologize if updates remain sparce! i'm always on tumblr if you miss me& though :] i hope all is well for you too!!