I think one of the hardest parts about finally accepting myself, finally coming to terms with who I am and what I want to be, and being safe enough to express it, is that this doesn't mesh with society.
Not that all people are inhrently evil, or that they all hate me. I don't think thats true. But the types of people I find my self absolutely surrounded by here aren't the types to have ever seen someone like me before. Nevermind heard of "transmasc lesbians", or have any grasp on my identity & presentation, especially the contradictory parts. It's not that I think strangers need to see me and instantly understand everything about me (i'd much prefer that they didnt!), but people make assumptions about me when they haven't ever met someone like me, nevermind asked me. i'm not worth considering.
since i've gotten less outwardly anxious, more people have wanted to talk to me. not even necessarily deep conversations, but more casual hellos and smiles as I walk by. this makes sense, and it's a good thing, i appreciate these brief interactions. but if i haven't shaved in awhile, people avoid me. if they see me stimming, they avoid me. if they see my self harm scars from years ago, they avoid me. even if i embrace these things, other people are put off by them. and there's not much i can really do about that
i could subdue myself, and hide everything, but i feel like i've forgotten how. especially after COVID. even if i could, i don't really want to. being able to be myself and not feel guilty, or shameful, is wonderful, even if i can't mesh as well with my peers. i have close friends and a community that i know accepts me as i am, and loves the way i choose to express myself. i, myself, am loved.
even so, it can be overwhelming. especially on a college campus, surrounded by people who you are foreign to, and are foreign to you. i've been able to connect with my friends from home, and they provide me a lot of support that helps to fill this void. i've also been reconnecting with some friends from last year here, and have been able to have some really genuine conversations. talking about change, identity, and fear.
I'd like to end this on a positive note, of hope for change or something like that. but really, i feel like i will always be on the fringe. not ever quite at home. and i'm okay with that, because i know i wouldn't be happy being "normal" either. as a wise man once said, i'm a freak, i'm a weirdo. and that's awesome! the way i connect to others, and the way they connect to me, is inherently different. and its an honor to be the first of my kind that other people see, even if they never say hello.